Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
You Might Also Like
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer