Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
No one:
London landlords:
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
