@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

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@dafloydsta

[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.

@KimmyMonte

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

@CaucasianJames

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

@AmishPornStar1

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

@CptBombs75

Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves

@piddle_fart

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

@_ElvishPresley_

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

@sir_shithead_I

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

@AbbieEvansXO

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse