Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me, flirting😏
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Finally
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
School be like
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.