[at a bar]
ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.
FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.
SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse