Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box