Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
had to share :’)
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.