Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
wow he looks just like him
I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired