Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

*serious situation*

My brain:

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it