Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
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But that’s none of my business
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Dietest Coke
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.