Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
new record!
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
how high up are we talkin’?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go