Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
How did we not see this back then?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
ACED my prostate exam!
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.