Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
? 💀
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever