Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I am all good here, 😂😉
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.