Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Too easy.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I think I’m having a stroke
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.