Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked