Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]