Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?