Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.