Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
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I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
My birthstone is kidney
some Old Testament wisdom
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk