Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.