Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Sharon, call the vet
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*