Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license