Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
i can’t wait that long
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.