Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
is this how new cars are made??
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly