Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Come back with a warrant
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.