Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.