Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
my dad when a sex scene comes on
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.