Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
You Might Also Like
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
out-housing market appears to be strong
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
