Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
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I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
put ‘er there pardner!
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
United Steaks of America
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Care for your back
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.