Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
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My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke