Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Happy thanksgiving
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water