Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies

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Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.


You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that


There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding


[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay


Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok


My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.


[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird


WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*


Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?