Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

repaired

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Called it

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me