Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

This one never gets the credit it deserves

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀