Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
decorating my apartment
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!