Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING