Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*limbos away from your hug*
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib