Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.