Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.