Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??