@: Ever since I found out cats don't meow to other cats, that's just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I'm noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
@Mr_Kapowski: "Dad can I sit on your shoulders to watch the parade?" Dad: Dammit Zack, you're 32 and you're taller than me Me: But I'm tired of standing
@quintabrunson: These Instagram updates are weird. I think Instagram wants us to leave. Like when a guy goes “you’re just to good for me.” We should listen.