Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.