Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
reviewed some movies recently
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.