Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
And that about sums it up.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
