Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna