ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
