ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.