ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.