Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved