Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.