Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.