Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy