Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
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I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?