Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine