ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
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aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
#parenting
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.