Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I’m not lazy
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course