Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
No, YOUR illiterate.
Oh. My. God.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.