Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

😭🤣

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club