Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”