Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.