The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.