Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
The Book. The Movie.
