Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
By Kate Hatos
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
