Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
