Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
rest in peas
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.