Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids