Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartman: Respect my
a a

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

“TGIM!” – My liver

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

A short story of betrayal: