Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
doing some research
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.