Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one