Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time