Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats only grass-fed donuts

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

ok like just. call me at this point

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

🙀🙀🙀😹

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.