Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.