Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.