Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?