Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My wedding will be open casket.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm