Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*