Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

lol

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said